Because it hasn't been said, and it needs to be said, I'm going to say it.
There has been a noticeable decline in my spirituality with God. So much so that I've become totally indifferent to the fact that it feels like I no longer have a relationship with Him. What's ironic is that I go to Toccoa Falls College, renowned school of the missionaries...and Aaron Shust. I just don't want to try any more. The more I think about it, the more tired I get. I know, I know, "rest in Jesus. He'll take care of it all." The problem is that I don't even know what that means. Never have. Feels like I never will. Praying has, once again, become a tedious chore to make myself feel better about my current state in Christianity. No. I'm not becoming an apostate. I'm just coming to realize how much shallowness I've been trying to swim in for these past few years, how much God I've been faking understanding but have gained none. I just don't want people telling me the same thing over and over again, all these spiritual proverbs that can fit on a bumper sticker. I'm sick of it.
Jesus is just a little bit more real than I expected. I need to start over. Please pray for me brothers and sisters in Christ. I can't do anything alone.
If there's one thing I know for sure, It is that God is God and he will always be God whether we like him or not. But I like Him, so it's ok :)
If there's one thing I've noticed lately, it is that I have been writing about Him and not exactly to Him. If there's one thing that I understand completely, it is that I have no clue what I'm doing. And that makes me sad.
I had a friend. His name is Paul. He was broken. He was an Athiest. He's now a Christ lover.
I really want to know what happened.
God, I love that you have the power to melt a heart of stone. No matter how stubborn we are, you're grace and beauty, especially your love, breaks the walls we've built up. I love that to you, this is art.
You know, because I'm in college and all, you'd think that I'd develop a sense of maturity where I'd be able to keep a schedule and just run with it... My high school teachers were right. Bad habits do, indeed, follow you.
I don't know. I have such a lack of motivation to do anything productive. It kinda sucks.
So the first week of school has already officially started and I still feel like nothing has changed. Besides the fact that I now live where I learn. Because this is a new chapter of life that I'm about to explore, I feel the need to, yet again, reflect on the events of the past that mean something to me. I know that this is the point where people will find how different they are now from who they used to be. This is true between friends too.
One verse that I seem to always run into is where Jesus tells us that he did not come to bring peace but a sword. It was true then, it's true now, and it always will be true. I just don't understand why I can't let go of the past and just move on to the brighter things ahead. I don't get why I'm always clinging to the dinosaurs of my life, things that are already fossilized and happened. I find that making new friends makes me yearn even more for the ones that I already have or had. I remember when the friendships I made didn't just touch the surface of each person but dove down deep, touching our weary, beating hearts.
I yearn for that. I yearn even more to know what it is that God wants with me. As I look back on all these people who are running through my mind, I can't see how I ever mattered. Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I just feel alone and forgotten. Either way, I'm lost and I can't see.
I guess whatever this phase may be, it can be summed up into two words:
